A modified marquee in Atlantic Beach has been drawing some attention. “Hoohaa” replaced a word in the title of a play after a driver complained about finding the previous wording offensive.
The Hoohah Monologues is a replacement title for The Vagina Monologues — a well-known play about that part of the female body.
They did this after a driver who saw it complained to the theater, saying she was upset that her niece saw it.
Some parents said they applaud the title change.
Let me get this straight: your niece is old enough to ask you what a “vagina” is but she still doesn’t know she’s got one? Or its proper name??
I’m going to hope one of those caring parents stops by.
Dear Driving Auntie and Some Parents,
Do you remember how doctors always told your own parents you were special? Let’s just say they might as well have taken a hint.
Given as it’s a tad too late for you now, I’ll just throw in some tips and help you feel safe in this filthy world.
- Take your dictionaries (thick books your teachers suggested you checked once in a while for a change, you might find them under table legs that were too short) and tear out the pages you find “vagina” on. (They’ll be under “V”, in case you’re wondering.)
Nice thing is you’ll be getting rid of “vaginal” too – what is wrong with “hoohaal” anyway?
- Next look for any encyclopedias that might contain that v-word. Or any anatomical references at all. (Human body, that’s just gross.)
Oh, right, no encyclopedias at home.
- Check your local libraries. Proceed as above. While you’re at it, you might want to check text books too. There’s all sorts of filth in them.
Don’t mind people glaring at you, by the way.
- After all those are gone, go for the medical text books. Any doctor should understand “it burns… down there” instead of “vaginal infection” and it sounds so much better.
- Go for book shops nearby. Proceed as above. And 7/11s. And any shop where you might find magazines or newspapers.
- Get rid of your TV.
- Make sure never to go to the beach. People are naked under those skin tight outfits. Kids might wonder.
- Never let your kids out of their clothes – not even to wash them. You never know when they’ll look down and see they’ve got a… hoohaa of their own – and then what?
When something goes wrong “down there” out of sheer lack of hygiene and your girl gets the proverbial “hoohaal itch”, don’t go to the doctor. You never know what they might prescribe. Oh, no.
- Get rid of any tampons or sanitary towels you might have at home. Burn them. Kids might find them and ask what they’re for.
- Seen those ads all over the place? Perfumes, cars, chocolate, you name it. Your kid might ask what’s there in the center of them all, and 50% of the time you’ll have to explain what breasts are, 50% of the time it’ll be a crotch. Then what? Stock up on paint or spray cans and cover them up.
When an officer comes by, explain to him how you’re getting rid of all vagina references in the world, for a safer place for our kids to grow. He might not get it at first; insist and carry on.
Explain to the judge how the world’s a better place with no vaginas and lots of hoohaas for our kids.
Explain to your new doctor (you’ll get lots of questions on your relationship with your parents from this one) how the world’s a better place with no vaginas and lots of hoohas for our kids.
- Tell you what. Just pluck your eyes out. You’ll see no evil. Guaranteed.
Or you might just want to get over the fact that the female human body does, in fact, include a vagina and realise your kid will picture that part of her body whether you call it by its proper name or any daft little nickname you make up.
You dim-witted fucktards.
To the rest of you in the real world, I’d suggest -if you’re so inclined- you let the nice people at the Atlantic Theatre know that you’d love to go see The Vagina Monologues but are not interested in The Hoohaa Monologues because:
- you’re guessing it’s just a moronic Sunday school play, instead of the world famous one you intended to see,
- if it happens to be The Vagina Monologues, you fear they’re missing the whole point of the play by changing the name and maybe didn’t get it at all.
That’s what I’d do anyway. Hope you get to see it, though. They definitely got the attention they wanted.